Sentara’s Bereavement Tree helps families honor lost children

HARRISONBURG, Va. (WHSV) - While the holiday season is a time of great joy it is also a time of sorrow for some. Each year at Sentara RMH a bereavement tree is put up for families who have lost a child.

On Tuesday, December 13 at 7 p.m. a service will be held by the tree for those families; it’s a tradition that goes back 35 years and allows families to grieve together.

“For these families, it’s not a happy and jolly time, so I think being with other families that can understand and know their grief and understand their grief is really important,” said Pat Kennedy, who put up and decorated the tree on Saturday morning.

Kennedy and her husband started the bereavement tree in 1987 after their son, Ken, was stillborn.

Kennedy said at the time there wasn’t much local support for families who had lost a child, so she connected with a Chicago-based support group that had a bereaved parents memorial tree service around the holidays. She then brought the idea back home.

“The first time we did it in 1987 we had an overwhelming turnout. People were there who had had losses 10, 15, 20, 25 years before, and they came because this was the first time they were able to acknowledge that loss in this kind of setting,” she said.

The tree will be up in Sentara RMH’s lobby through January 1. While the service is on Tuesday, families can come at any time to hang an ornament in honor of their lost children.

“Every ornament has ever been hung on the tree we rehang on the tree. So you’re looking at 35 years of loss and grief on this tree. It’s important for me because I know how important it was for us and it wasn’t available locally, so I became determined that it would be available locally and fortunately, RMH has been very supportive,” said Kennedy.

Over the years the tree has helped many parents grieve.

“Knowing that you’re not alone, I think is really important. That was important for us as a family to know that we’re not the only people who have these feelings and who are going through this kind of pain and loss and grief,” said Kennedy.

Ann and Peter Johnson are one couple who have been touched by the tree.

“There is nothing like the comfort of somebody saying ‘I know how you feel’ and you know that they know how you feel and that is a gift beyond compare,” said Ann Johnson.

The Johnsons who have lost two children first came to the service after losing a child in 2008.

“Having this just gives you that reminder even if it’s just that one time at Christmas that they were there, they were important and they are remembered,” said Ann.

The opportunity the tree and service provide to grieving parents can make a big difference by connecting them with other families in similar positions.

“As a parent, you don’t ever want to have to bury your child. You expect your children to bury you, and this tree represents the opportunity to grieve with folks who have been through the same thing and understand exactly what you’re going through,” said Peter Johnson.

Some families come out to the tree only once or twice while others like the Johnsons come back each year.

“I hate to say this, but it’s almost considered a family tradition. The service is part of what we do for Christmas. We bring our ornaments, and we place them but we come back on Christmas Eve and we pick them up and bring them home to our house and put them on our tree for Christmas,” said Ann.

The service is not just for grieving parents, as the tree can also connect children to their lost siblings.

“We were fortunate enough to have a child in 2011, so it’s important also for her to be able to come here and understand that she had brothers and sisters that aren’t here, it helps her grieve with them too,” said Peter.

While the tree is only up for the holiday season it provides grieving families with connections that make a difference throughout the year.

“When one or the other has a bad day, even if it’s nothing but you send a heart or you send hugs or whatever it establishes a way for you to be connected and walk with other people through their process,” said Ann.

The Johnsons encourage anyone who has lost a child to come out to the service at Sentara on Tuesday night.

“Christmas and the holidays are about family. This is an opportunity to have an extended family and to support each other and let each other know that we’re here for you, we understand what you’re going through. Because it’s not just a one-day thing it’s an everyday thing,” said Peter.