When dementia causes a loved one to forget your name

(Aging Untold) — It can be heartbreaking and confusing when a loved one with dementia forgets your name. It can also leave you wondering how to respond.

What happens in the brain

The brain is an organ that can undergo disease just like any other organ, Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, said.

She said cognitive decline involves an injury.

The temporal lobe, an area in the brain that helps with memory, orientation and awareness of time and place, is one of the first areas affected, Rogers said. When injury occurs there, cognitive decline begins and forgetting follows.

They remember the relationship

Sam Cradduck, a gerontologist, said that while the moment is devastating, loved ones with dementia haven’t forgotten the relationship.

“They may forget your name and you feel like they’ve forgotten who you are, but they don’t,” Cradduck said. “They know that relationship. They’ve just forgotten the label that they used for you.”

Daughters often are called “mom” because they’ve taken on the nurturing, caregiving role. Sons sometimes get called by their father’s name or referred to as the husband because they’ve become the protector.

“I know it hurts, but it’s OK,” Cradduck said.

Don’t correct them

Katherine Ambrose, an aging-well coach, said it’s important not to judge people for changes in the brain the same way people aren’t judged for cancer symptoms.

“Don’t correct. Really don’t correct,” Cradduck said. “Because no matter who you are, none of us want to be corrected.”

Correction can trigger defensiveness, which can lead to combativeness.

“You’ve got to learn to just breathe through this the minute it happens,” Cradduck said.

Validation is key

Cradduck said validation theory is effective with dementia. That means validating the emotions and feelings present in the moment.

“At this point, I need the comfort or I need the protection. I need what that relationship brings me,” Cradduck said.

Cradduck said people with dementia will remember how you made them feel.

“When you treat them by validating that way, you’re really respecting them and yourself,” Ambrose said. “You’re using your knowledge and your maturity to handle it correctly.”