Examining causes of family disconnection and paths to reconciliation

(Aging Untold) — We’re all familiar with blocking people online, but what about disconnections in our families?

Nearly 30% of Americans are estranged from immediate family members, according to some polls.

Sam Cradduck, a gerontologist, said estrangement often starts with small misunderstandings or miscommunications that grow over time.

“I actually think it starts with a really small, usually, misunderstanding or miscommunication,” Cradduck said. “And then like any infection, it’s allowed to take hold and then it just grows and it festers.”

Pride and safety concerns

Cradduck said pride often prevents reconciliation, even when it might be possible.

“I think oftentimes reconciliation is possible. It’s just nobody wants to take that first step,” Cradduck said.

However, she acknowledged that some estrangements are necessary for safety in unhealthy relationships.

“Now there are times where it’s by choice and it’s for safety. And it’s because it’s an unhealthy relationship. And you have to honor that,” Cradduck said.

She said many estrangements occur during times of grief, particularly between siblings after the loss of a loved one.

The cost of waiting

The saddest outcome is when estranged family members don’t get the chance to say goodbye before someone dies, Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, said.

Amy O’Rourke, an aging expert, shared the story of a client who was estranged from her son due to his drug and alcohol problems.

The son had taken money from his mother and she remained firm in her decision to stay estranged even as her memory declined, O’Rourke said.

The woman told O’Rourke, “I do not want my son around,” and she never changed her position, despite pressure from caregivers.

The key question is whether someone can live with their decision if the other person dies, O’Rourke said.

“If there’s any niggling of, ‘Maybe I should reach out,’ then listen to that,” she said.

Collateral damage

Katherine Ambrose, an aging-well coach, discussed how estrangement prevents relationships between grandparents and grandchildren.

She said estrangement is often tied to mental health and substance abuse issues.

“Oftentimes it is due to mental health, drug, alcohol issues. And these are unsolvable problems sometimes,” Ambrose said.

Cradduck warned against estranged family members returning only when there is an inheritance involved.

“If you’ve been fractured for all these years, don’t step back in and expect that there’s a payday at the end,” Cradduck said.

Seeking help

The experts recommended therapy or family counseling for those dealing with estrangement.

“Look for therapy to help you because it is so painful,” Ambrose said.

She said talking to other older adults can help people realize estrangement is common.

“It’s really hard to rebuild trust when it’s been broken,” Rogers said. “And you probably are going to need mediation or counseling because of this.”